Anything Barça can do, Madrid can do better

Warning: I've flicked the article from elsewhere, I liked it, I thought you might too.
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They're the cocky kids arguing whose dad's bigger, neighbours preening over their pebble-dashing, tuning types upping the stakes with another pointless appendage to their Seat Ibizas — egging each other on, winding each other up. "If Barcelona didn't exist, we'd have to invent them," remarked former Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez, and he was right. Barcelona go Dutch, Madrid go Dutcher; Madrid go galactic, Barcelona go cosmic. They're the US and the USSR racing into space, with missions to the moon and monkeys at the controls. Anything Barça can do, Madrid can do better. No, they can't. Yes, they can. No, they can't. Yes, they can. No, they can't. Yes. They. Caaaan!

And, let's face it, mostly they can. Barça buy a posy new team bus, Madrid buy a plane. A rickety airfix plane soon quietly ditched but, still, a plane! Barça have two Catalan comics fawning over them, Madrid have two national ones. Barça celebrate their centenary by playing Brazil, Madrid celebrate theirs by playing the whole wide world. Barça visit the Pope, Madrid visit the King, the UN and the Pope. Barça nearly buy David Beckham, Madrid really buy David Beckham. Barça beat Madrid 5-0, Madrid take Michael Laudrup and beat them 5-0 back. Barça get Alfredo di Stéfano for three games, Madrid get him for 11 years, eight league titles and five European Cups.

And now it's getting really silly, with a little helping hand from a fixture list that groups together all the likely title contenders (except Atlético), meaning the champions may not be the best team over the course of the season but the best team over the course of two six-game stretches in which Sevilla, Barcelona, Valencia, Villarreal and Madrid face each other. More importantly, a fixture list in which twice a season every team plays Sevilla, Barça, Madrid and Villarreal consecutively, giving Madrid the perfect opportunity to succeed and supersede Barça. Which is exactly what they've done. Barça lose 1-0 to Numancia on the opening day, in the very next match Madrid beat Numancia 4-3. Barça draw 0-0 with Racing Santander, the following week Madrid beat them 2-0.

So far, so standard, but even raising the bar impossibly high makes no difference: On Sunday night, Barcelona smash Sporting Gijon 6-1 (six bleeding one!), prompting the Catalan press to declare, "it doesn't get any better"; one Madridista pundit to declare, "Bah! We're better than Barça, 6-1 is nothing!"; and Sporting's marvellously moustachioed manager Manuel Preciado to declare, "Madrid suit us better, although I might be eating my words soon." Only it does, he's right, and Preciado is busy wolfing down a plate of Alphabetti Spaghetti when Real Madrid do it better. Barcelona smash Sporting 6-1; three little days later, Madrid smash Sporting 7-1. Anything you can do better, I can do better.